Wednesday, March1st, 2023
Dear Dr DeBecker,
I began writing this letter before I’d finished reading the introduction to your book, The Gift of Fear. I am grateful that I did. I think I would have been too spooked if I’d waited. Frankly, you intimidate me!
You are brilliant! You come by your uniquely beautiful intuition honestly. Thank you for sharing your story. You have inspired me to lean into my own unique intelligence, my lived experience, reluctant knowledge I’ve grown to cherish.
The Gift of Fear was recommended to me at least ten times, by ten different people, before I finally bought it at my favorite local bookstore a couple months ago. I soon realized that yours was a book that I would need to listen to and then read in order to fully digest. I am grateful for my paper copy though as I will undoubtedly recommend and/or lend it to deserving friends and colleagues. As a reader, I especially enjoy books, like yours, that spin a story (in your case, STORIES!) while massaging my intense curiosity.
I can understand my initial hesitancy to engage with your work. Until several months ago, I wasn’t ready to accept what my body had been SCREAMING for nearly five decades.
Interestingly, as I purchased your book, I was listening to another book, one that I’d been waiting for, on hold with my library audiobook app for several months.
The book, Dying of Politeness, was authored by Geena Davis. Her incredible title sums up my life in a way that is closer to reality than the cheeky way that I suspect she intended.
Ms. Davis stole my heart within the first few chapters! She is an incredible storyteller and obviously very smart. And FUNNY! She is clearly committed to sucking the marrow out of life as most of my favorite people are. You know all of this, of course, because you were once married to her. I was gobsmacked when she began talking about YOU, her former husband!
Figuring the universe was nudging me, I thought of writing to you when I first learned of this uncanny connection. I committed to writing to you while reading page nine of Chapter 1, on which you begin to discuss your own traumatic experience of childhood. I felt understood, DESCRIBED EVEN, in a way that I have never before.
You understand me! You don’t know me of course but nevertheless you understand me. And in a way that very few people are able to. Portions of your book were like reading a transcript of my own thoughts.
It was validating to read, or in this case, hear (I also got your audiobook!) you/the narrator discuss the similarity between criminals and heros.
Often – more often than is comfortable to admit – I find myself empathizing with individuals deemed abhorrent by mainstream society. I am able to find the humanity in everyone: serial killers, child molesters, psychopaths, rapists, even – very recently – those who’ve delighted in traumatizing people that I love and cherish.
When I examine myself, I understand that given the very intimate, relational and insidious abuse I’ve survived, I am able to imagine just how easily my life could have, in some cases, SHOULD have, turned out much differently than it has.
Reading your book has left me feeling complete. I am validated by my shared hyperarousal, my survivalist intuition. Anxiety, intuition, even panic have all been adaptive.
My father is a sociopath. But I have only just now, in my forties, after twenty years as a master’s level mental health professional, come to appreciate this obvious fact. How? Well, he’s an abusive, narcissistic SOCIOPATH. I don’t imagine that you require any additional information to appreciate my journey of self-discovery.
The more I learn about sociopathy and empathy and brains and trauma, the more I realize how unique and interesting my experience of life has been. Surviving my life has been difficult. And yet I continue to thrive. There is a myriad of scenarios and circumstances in which I find myself that I think, “Hmmmmm . . I know what I know because of my close proximity to my father.”
I KNOW people. My hypervigilance has GUARANTEED that I KNOW people. Not like “I know a guy.” It’s incredibly arrogant but the truth is that, at times, I know people better than THEY know themselves. I don’t have any legal experience, I’m not a lawyer or a consultant. I am not trained as a journalist. I haven’t managed large groups of people or run important companies but I KNOW that I COULD do these things if given a bit of training and the opportunity. Simply because I KNOW people.
I know people because I HAD to. Being raised by a sociopath, trained me to believe that the majority of people I encounter ARE sociopaths. Thankfully, of course, they are NOT.
Dr. Becker, in telling the story of your childhood, you spoke about your sense of just knowing it was the correct moment to check on your baby sister during a violent argument in your home. As the oldest sibling in an abusive family, I am validated, understood. I AM HOPEFUL!
I understand that you are very busy so I won’t take any more of your time telling you my story, I hope, one day, someone in your circle will recommend that you read my book. If you are interested in the meantime, however, I would LOVE to direct you to my blog (iamenvd.com).
The question that I want to ask you is would you consider mentoring me? I am inspired by the way you have taken your gift of perception, mined your life’s most difficult moments, using them to build your professional career, your brand, your empire. I would love to hear more from you about your process!
I have a masters degree in social work from Hunter College in Manhattan, professional experience in public health, clinical settings, and at universities. I enjoy community organizing, teaching, presenting, interviewing and facilitating groups of all sizes and purpose. I would JUMP at the chance to work with your organization in whatever small way you may be willing to have me.
If you are put off, however, by my forward nature, I can understand. And if that IS the case, would you consider putting a good word in for me with Ms. Davis? Her foundation, Institute on Gender in Media, working towards media parity, is TOTALLY up my alley and I’d settle for a gig with her;-)
Regardless, I want to thank you for your important contribution. Your book has changed the way I think about myself. You’ve articulated a strength that I’ve always sensed was present but had not recognized.
Sincerely,
envd
*carpe diem*
Collecting Pieces of Me 